I'm Back!!/A Lesson in Trust

I’m back!!! Sorry about the absence. As I’ve mentioned before, my absences are not merely absences from this blog, but absences from God Himself. The abundance of posts reflects a spiritual strength, while being away from this blog is me being away from God.

This time, this absence of mine was due to tennis and my lack of complete trust in God.

See, I played tennis with my school for the first time last year. This year, I wanted so very much to play again. But the coach decided there would be tryouts; ten people would be cut from the team. I love tennis, but I’m not good at it, not really, so I was worried about not making the team.

I prayed, but continued to worry. I put off blogging and reading my Bible in order to practice tennis.

Tryouts came and I was failing, gradually moving closer and closer to being booted off the team.

Desperate, I skipped tryouts one day (so I wouldn’t lose another tryout game) and went to a tennis court in a park so that I could practice my serve alone.

I prayed. Better, more honest, praying than before. I admitted that I could not play tennis well and, therefore, could not make the team without His help. I asked for His help, but I said that ultimately, even if I wasn’t to make the team, I would realize that’s His will for me. So I practiced my serve while praying this, and I failed, making only about three out of ten serves. I said, “God, I can’t make the team without being able to serve. It would be awesome if someone would help me.” There were plenty of people in the park and I figured one of them could be a tennis aficionado.

I served more and more. About half an hour later, I was ready to leave. But as I was picking up my tennis balls, one of the parents of a girl on the tennis team (it was already obvious she was going to make the tryouts) came to practice his serve. He saw me and asked if I wanted help.

I almost started crying. God had answered! He had sent this parent, who happens to excel at serving, to help me.

So he helped me with my serve and it got better.

And when I went to tryouts the next day, my serve was better. But I was still losing. So I went home- actually not yet. I started to drive home and You Are I Am by MercyMe came on and it was perfect. I started crying then and I realized that I had been making conditions (if I get on the tennis team, I will read the Bible three times a day instead of two, etc.) and hadn’t truly been trusting God to take care of it. So I settled that. I went to tryouts again and lost some more. But I went home one night and there was an email from the coach asking for uniform sizes. I was like, what in the world, are tryouts over? I emailed him and you know what he said? He had decided not to do tryouts anymore; EVERYONE WAS MAKING THE TEAM!

I felt like such an idiot! God had it under control the whole time. Yet I had worried my butt off. He took care of it – he took care of me – and all is well, better than well even. Because now I realize once again that when God said, “All things are possible,” He meant ALL THIINGS ARE POSSIBLE (Matthew 19:26). He meant, “I can do anything. So trust. Pray, trust, give ME all your worries and doubts.” Just trust that He is all powerful and all knowing. He not only knows what is best, but is best able to make the best happen! How amazing!

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” –Matthew 19:26

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. –Proverbs 3:5

Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. –Psalm 20:6-8

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? –Psalm 56:3-4

Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. –Psalm 32:10

He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe. –Proverbs 28:26

Forgiveness = Losing?

On Wednesday, I asked my Bible Study leader to pray for me and a friend of mine. Our relationship has been headed south and I wanted guidance on what to do. I had been praying and praying for months without a clear answer. I asked her to pray because I didn’t know anything else to do. 

On Thursday, at a Bible Study at my school, one of my friends, Jason, taught a lesson. He started it by saying, “I’m going to teach on forgiveness today.” I immediately scanned through my life and decided that I didn’t have anything that I needed to forgive. I almost closed my ears to the lesson, but something, like a whisper through the walls of my soul, made me listen.

He used part of Tenth Avenue North’s song Losing and he spoke on forgiveness:

I can't believe what she said

I can't believe what he did

Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?

Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?

Maybe there's something I missed

But how could they treat me like this?

It's wearing out my heart

The way they disregard

Well it's only the dead that can live

But still I wrestle with this

To lose the pain that's mine

Seventy times seven times

'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right

For me to turn a blind eye

Though I guess it's not that much

When I think of what You've done.

Before that, I knew what forgiveness was –receiving mercy, grace, and having your faults let go of and forgotten – but I realized that forgiveness didn’t wait for the “I’m sorry.” Forgiveness is given before the other person is ready to be sorry. They may never be sorry. Forgiveness means you don’t expect an apology.

I had been expecting an apology.

For months.

I discovered, as Jason was teaching on forgiveness, that I hadn’t forgiven this other friend for even the things he had apologized for. 

I had been holding on to the anger and the wrong he had done to me. And because he had continued to do wrong to me, my feelings were renewed and strengthened. I was angry. Angrier than I thought.

It didn’t feel right for me to turn a blind eye. I had been wondering how he would learn to say sorry and how he would learn what I didn’t like if I always forgave him without him asking. It didn’t feel right to lose the pain that was mine. 

Jason also used a Bible verse in his lesson:

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. –Colossians 3:12-14, The Message

Be content with second place.  He kept saying that. Forgiveness is being in second place. Forgiveness is being happy with–and choosing–second place. Forgiveness is not winning, but losing. Losing, at least, according to the world’s definition. But to God, forgiving puts you at the front of the pack. The world’s last becomes God’s first.

Jason used the Super Bowl as an example of “losing.”

“Say the Ravens lose the Super Bowl. Think about if the Ravens go into their press conference praising the 49ers and how well they played, you know, “They played really well today and their teamwork was awesome. They’re a great team.” People will think they’re crazy. People will be like, ‘You lost.’  That’s like what forgiveness is.”

Forgiveness is crazy. It’s totally against our instincts. Our self-preservation tells us not to forgive, but to make the wrong-doers pay us back. But Jesus practiced forgiveness, even up until his death and then even after.

This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. 

–Matthew 26:28

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. –Colossians 3:12-14, NIV

Now, my plan of action with this friend of mine is to forgive. No matter how much more he hurts me, I will forgive him. I won’t care how many more times; I won’t care what it is exactly that he says; I will forgive and then I will forget.

7x70, baby. 

Do you think forgiveness is crazy? How do "normal" people view forgiveness?

On Droughts and Blessings

“As the Lord, the God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.” This is Elijah the prophet speaking in 1 Kings 17:1. This story is one of my favorites in the Bible. It is so bold and telling of how we need to serve the Lord.

The story starts in 1 Kings 16:29: Ahab became king of Israel and he “did more evil in the eyes of the Lord than any of those before him.” Many of the kings before Ahab, like Omri and Jeroboam, had done evil, but Ahab “considered it trivial to commit the sins of Jeroboam.” So Ahab committed those sins in addition to other sins, including the worship of idols. Ahab set up places of worship, such as Asherah poles and altars for Baal, and led the Israelites away from the one true God.  

Baal is the focus of the story in 1 Kings. This is one of those places that it’s important (MUY IMPORTANTE) to know some of the cultural and historical background that the Bible doesn’t cover. Here you need to know that Baal was the god of weather.

When Ahab wanted it to rain, he would pray to Baal. When the Israelites wanted it to rain, they asked Baal to send the rain. 

Image from http://nowiknow.com

God, through Elijah, told Ahab, “There will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.”
God withdrew the blessing of rain because the Israelites were worshipping Baal. “Some time later the brook dried up because there had been no rain in the land.” There was a drought.
Israelites would cry to the “god of weather” and no rain would fall. The priests of Baal would cut themselves and no rain would arrive. None. God withdrew that blessing, because He will not bless his main competition. 

I realized this again today. I realized that God will not bless me in the things I put before Him.

I had been hearing a lot lately that whatever you think about most is what/who you worship. I had been thinking about this boy a lot. I had been steering conversations in order to talk about him; I had been texting him quite a bit; I had been stalking his facebook. I had been putting this boy before God.

I had forgotten what God has taught me. Freshman year and part of sophomore year, I was obsessed with a boy and nothing ever came of it. After that, I didn’t seriously like any boy for about 8 months or so. My focus was finally on God. My prayer life was prosperous (my prayers were being answered) and I felt so close to God. In that time (about 4 months), I got asked out twice and a half times.

When I wasn’t focusing on boys, I was getting boys. Why? Well, I wasn’t putting boys above God, so I believe God was allowing my “romantic” life to flourish.

Today, I realized that my focus was on this boy. Of course, I only realized this after a drought of three weeks. Three weeks of not seeing him, not talking to him. It was implied recently that he is (and has been) avoiding me.

I had been sent a drought.

The Israelites had rain taken away because they were worshipping rain, basically. I had the attention of this boy taken away because I was seeking his attention more than I was seeking God.

God will not bless his primary competition. He is a jealous God. (Exodus 34:14). In Deuteronomy 32:21, God said, “They made me jealous by what is no god and angered me with their worthless idols.”

God deserves our attention and He wants it; therefore, He will not bless everything that you focus on more than Him. Whether your main focus is work, school, grades, image, money, boys, it does not matter. You will not be blessed in that area as long as it is number one on your priority list.

The Israelites realize this in 1 Kings 18. In verse 39, after an amazing display of God’s power and the resulting humiliation of Baal, the supposed god of weather, the Israelites cried, “The Lord—he is God! The Lord—he is God!”

Then Elijah said, “There is the sound of a heavy rain.” Soon after, in verse 45, “the sky grew black with clouds, the wind rose, a heavy rain came on...”

Seeing the World as It Is

Our world is an old quilt, tattering at the edges, ripping in the middle;
all of us affected by the moth-eaten mess and brokenness of our world.

Jealousy

And the pangs of jealousy leap up. They jump up and down on my heart like a trampoline, willing me to notice them.

I shall not. I shall not notice them. I will ignore them as I try to talk to you, you who makes me jealous, regardless of the fact that we are good friends.

I-you-I am good at-you are too? Oh. I am really good at-oh, of course, you are too. I know! I have a really grade in that one clas-yup. You too.

I know you do not do this to spite me. In fact, you have no idea about any of my jealousy issues. I know you simply happen to be awesome. And I respect you and I love you, but at the same time I rack my mind for something I know I am better at. But no, I will ignore the jealousy creeping up. I will. And I walk away from you so it will not beat me. And my other friends talk about how awesome your writing is. That was the one thing I believed myself to be at than you. …yup. Awkward. And I can’t think of anything else. Surely you are better than me in every way.

I hear laughter in the background. It’s you. You are happy and I am sad. You have won. Bravo. Good job. And I hear more laughter in the background. This isn’t you. It....it’s in my head.

I let Satan win there. I let the demons of jealousy take over and control every part of me. I tried to stop it. I failed to stop it. And I sigh and think of how you wouldn’t have failed. Then I go home dejected and cry.
This sounds very bad. But God used that moment to speak to me. In that crying moment (as with most of my crying moments) I am able to fall to my knees. I am able to go to God. I cry out to Him.

Why am I not as good?

He answers, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
Oh, I forgot about that. …Why isn’t my faith as strong?
I have given you a measure of faith. -Romans 12:3
Of course…. Why is she more faithful, a better light for You?
I am busy making you someone no one else has ever been. –Psalm 139. I’m still working on you both.
Oh. Really?
Yes. I love you both.
REALLY?
I sent my son Jesus to die for both of you.
Oh yeah. I love Jesus.
I love you, Bria.
Thanks, God.

I failed the first time because I was trying to fight on my own.

I am not strong. Bria means strong, but I am not strong. I needed God’s help and I wouldn’t admit it, but instead continued to try on my own. It didn’t work. It never works. I need God.

I read her blog. She is a very talented writer and a very strong witness. That’s when the jealousy began to gnaw on my heart again. And this is the result. This post right here.

I ask God for the strength to keep the jealousy away.

I ask God for love for her, love that consumes and swallows up the jealousy trying to get me.

I ask God for joy at her writing ability and her successful blog.

I thank God that she is an amazing friend and I thank God that she can help me know Him more, because she has awesome faith.

Finally, I ask God for forgiveness. I’m sorry that I let Satan get a foothold. I’m sorry that I was jealous and envious. I know that both jealousy and envy have their root in fear, the fear that I will not be taken care of, that You have forgotten me or given me the wrong things and abilities. I know You have plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and that you will supply me with what I need. I’m sorry for that lack of faith that allowed me to be jealous and envious. Replace any further jealousies or envies with pure joy at her ability to reach and teach so many.

 I’m sorry, Hannah, for being jealous of you. Please forgive me.

And now, here is a link to Hannah’s blog.

Go read it! Away with you!

(Wow, I feel so much better. Thank You, Lord.)

P.S. I wrote this in August. Ever since I wrote this, I haven’t been jealous. We have become great friends and I can enjoy our friendship and all that God teaches me through her because I am not jealous! Thank You, Lord!

I Failed, and We Laugh

I am in advanced precal. I’m a junior in high school. This is 2 years above what most juniors at my school take. And precal has been EASY. Like I-am-practically-falling-asleep-in-class-because-I-don’t-have-to-pay-attention easy. This is what I have told everyone when they have asked about school. “Every new class of precal is the most boring day of my life” and “I finish my homework before the class is even over!” have been my favorite phrases lately.

Pride.

Cockiness.

Boastfulness.

They were oozing from every word I spoke.

Yesterday we had a pop open response. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. Except for the fact that everything I knew flew from my head. I stared at the paper and nothing came. I didn’t know how to answer 2/3s of the question. …Yup.

Basically, I typed some things on my calculator and made it look like I was working. I hoped I would find an answer that clicked, something that just made sense in the problem. Nope.

And I think God was laughing. As I am now (even though I’m pretty positive I failed that open response). That situation served to not only make me see my sin(s), but made me repent and change my ways quickly. I was wrong. Yes, I still believe precal is easy, but now it is a simple this-is-my-easiest-class easy. Yes, I still believe it is boring, but now I realize that nothing is an excuse to let my attention wander. And I have definitely learned to not boast about it. That will just make me look stupid (again).

Plus the Bible says:

Do not boast about tomorrow,

for you do not know what a day may bring.

Let someone else praise you, and not your own mouth;

an outsider, and not your own lips.

-Proverbs 27:1-2

Therefore, as it is written:

“Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”

-1 Corinthians 1:31

To sum this up: God has a sense of humor; I’m sure He was laughing. Don’t be prideful because He will knock you off your ledge in an instance, therefore bringing you back down to the level of humility you should be at. Which is the humility level of a servant (Philippians 2:7) or a slave (Romans 6:22).

This (humility) is something I am particularly bad at. So, Lord, help me have humility. Thank You for striping me of my current cockiness. Make my current state of humility last. Amen.