It was as if I hadn’t thought or spoken in my own voice for a really long time. It was like you and your multitude of voices slowly invaded my headspace and merged into my thoughts and made me Bria plus Voices.
For a while there, I was slugging it out, dueling you word for word, but you were so many and I was so few; you trampled my voice and mimicked my voice and all but became my voice. You left my voice struggling for breath, whimpering in the sewers of filth and trash in this world. My voice was often silent then, because it couldn’t remember if it was the real me or a copy of a copy of a mimic.
See, I let too many of you in. I let too many voices get inside my head and tell me what and what not to think. All I could hear were your voices, for you yelled at me to let you have your turns to speak and then you never shut up; you never relinquished control.
I had unlocked the door to sheep, but you proved to be wolves. You devoured my voice and murdered my ideas. You scarfed down even my meek protests. You said I was wrong, hateful, ignorant, prideful, judgmental, stupid.
And I believed you. My voice was drowning in your sludge.
From https://fashionedwithpurpose.wordpress.com
But that’s not how it is anymore. I was rescued. I was rescued by the One you fear above all else, for even the demons shudder at the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ.
He washed your dirt off of my body and made me clean. He reminded me that He is strength and truth and that I can do all things through Him.
So now it’s my turn to speak.
It’s not my time to cower or to sneak or to behave or to apologize or to listen or to nod in what seems like agreement or to diffuse my anger and not let you have it for once or to let my concerns go while I stay mute and silent in your filthy ideas.
No, it’s my time to kick you all out of my headspace. I’ve heard what you have to say. I’ve heard you yell, scream, cry, whine, seduce, persuade, moan, howl. I’ve heard it all. Now, it’s my turn to say that I respectfully disagree. For me and my house will serve the Lord alone.
There is a time for everything and so now it is time for me to be me again. Not you. Me.
My voice is arising from the ashes and it will conquer with the tongues of fire as Christ lights up my life again.
You will hear my voice and it will speak the truth, for I am armed with the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, and my feet are fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
Just got
back from Winter Jam (a group of Christian bands that’s touring now)! This song
really hit me. It was just the perfect timing for a song like this. Actually, the unofficial theme of the whole thing was forgiveness. Thanks, God. :) Enjoy! (Have you heard this song before?)
On Wednesday, I asked my Bible Study leader
to pray for me and a friend of mine. Our relationship has been headed south and
I wanted guidance on what to do. I had been praying and praying for months
without a clear answer. I asked her to pray because I didn’t know anything else
to do.
On Thursday, at a Bible Study at my school,
one of my friends, Jason, taught a lesson. He started it by saying, “I’m going
to teach on forgiveness today.” I immediately scanned through my life and
decided that I didn’t have anything that I needed to forgive. I almost closed
my ears to the lesson, but something, like a whisper through the walls of my
soul, made me listen.
He used part of Tenth Avenue North’s song Losing
and he spoke on forgiveness:
I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard
Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven
times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's
not that much
When I think of what
You've done.
Before that, I knew what forgiveness was –receiving
mercy, grace, and having your faults let go of and forgotten – but I realized that
forgiveness didn’t wait for the “I’m sorry.” Forgiveness is given before the other
person is ready to be sorry. They may never be sorry. Forgiveness
means you don’t expect an apology.
I had been expecting an apology.
For months.
I discovered, as Jason was teaching on
forgiveness, that I hadn’t forgiven this other friend for even the things he
had apologized for.
I had been holding on to the anger and the
wrong he had done to me. And because he had continued to do wrong to me, my
feelings were renewed and strengthened. I was angry. Angrier than I thought.
It didn’t feel right for me to turn a blind
eye. I had been wondering how he would learn to say sorry and how he would
learn what I didn’t like if I always forgave him without him asking. It didn’t
feel right to lose the pain that was mine.
Jason also used a Bible verse in his lesson:
So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the
wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet
strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to
forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave
you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic,
all-purpose garment. Never be without it. –Colossians 3:12-14, The Message
Be content with second place.He kept saying that. Forgiveness is being in second place. Forgiveness is being happy with–and choosing–second place. Forgiveness is not winning, but losing. Losing, at least, according to the world’s definition. But to God, forgiving puts you at the front of the pack. The world’s last becomes God’s first.
Jason used the
Super Bowl as an example of “losing.”
“Say the Ravens
lose the Super Bowl. Think about if the Ravens go into their press conference
praising the 49ers and how well they played, you know, “They played really well
today and their teamwork was awesome. They’re a great team.” People will think
they’re crazy. People will be like, ‘You lost.’
That’s like what forgiveness is.”
Forgiveness is crazy. It’s totally
against our instincts. Our self-preservation tells us not to forgive, but to
make the wrong-doers pay us back. But Jesus practiced forgiveness, even up
until his death and then even after.
This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for
many for the forgiveness of sins.
–Matthew 26:28
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and
dearly loved, clothe yourselveswith compassion,
kindness, humility,gentleness and
patience.Bear
with each otherand forgive one
another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord
forgave you.And
over all these virtues put on love,which binds them all together in perfect unity. –Colossians 3:12-14, NIV
Now, my
plan of action with this friend of mine is to forgive. No matter how much more
he hurts me, I will forgive him. I won’t care how many more times; I won’t care
what it is exactly that he says; I will forgive and then I will forget.
7x70,
baby.
Do you think forgiveness is crazy? How do "normal" people view forgiveness?
Hey. I just want to start by saying that I’m sorry I put off writing another letter. I should have made time. I’ve been studying pretty much the whole day today (it’s Derby, so we have today off school), except a few breaks so I can concentrate better. I’m taking a break now. I’m alone at home, so I turned on some music. Casting Crowns’ Voice of Truth came on (I put it on shuffle on my iPod). I love that song. I wanted to find the Psalm he uses in part of it, so I did. I know You already know it, but I’m going to write it here anyway:
I lift my eyes to the hills-
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
He who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
The Lord is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm-
He will watch over your life;
The Lord will watch over your coming and going
Both now and forevermore.
-Psalm 121
I know I don’t say thank You enough. And I know that sometimes I say it and don’t mean it. I’m saying it now and I’m really meaning it. Thank You. I think I’m going to make another list.
Thank You for always being there. I know I say this a lot too. Now, I really mean it (not that all the other times I didn’t, just now I mean it more). I don’t always feel You (because sometimes I’m not listening or looking for You), but You still make me realize You are there. I always remember when Maddie came and prayed with me. I wasn’t looking for You then, but You made Yourself known and really gave me peace. Thank You. Thank You also for just helping me to forgive myself for whatever part I played in driving Ashley away. I still don’t completely understand all that, but that’s okay. I know that You will use all that for Your glory. I don’t want to go on about Ashley anymore, because I have filled so many letters with stuff about her. This letter is about You and me and all the things I’m thankful for (okay, some of the stuff that I’m thankful for. There is no way I could say everything.)
Thank You for giving me the gifts and abilities I have. Thank You for my brain and that I have the ability to read and understand. Thank You that I can write (as in both the ability to form words and put them on this page and the gift of being able to convey an idea well). Thank You for my imagination. Boy, writing would be really boring without it. Thank You that I have the ability to speak (once again both as in the ability to talk and the gift to be able to convey ideas effectively). I only wish (and pray) that I will have the confidence to speak. I can speak, I know that. I just can’t and I don’t understand why I’m so scared (well okay. I know I’m scared of saying something wrong and failing, but why am I so scared when I know that I know what I’m saying?). Please just give me confidence. Thank You for the growth this year (not physically, because I’m still only five feet five inches). Thank You for helping me discover more of who I am. Thank You for the confidence this has given me.
Thank You for everything that helped put me here, writing this letter to You. Thank You for everyone who has ever influenced my life. Thank You even for those people who have hurt me in some way (that’s not a lot of people, though. Thank You for that.), because I have learned more about myself and more about You because of those people. Just please help me not to hold any grudges against anyone. I realize now that they have helped me, but I tend to forget (or ignore) the things I decided in private when I’m in public.
Thank You for so many good Christian bands and amazing Christian authors. Thank You for David Crowder, Jon Foreman, The Afters, Brandon Heath, dc Talk, Casting Crowns, Hawk Nelson, Stellar Kart, Relient K, Aaron Shust, Abandon, Caedmon’s Call (I’m just a bus driver. Whoo!), Capital Lights, Chris Rice, Chris Sligh, Chris Tomlin, FM Static, Go Fish (Ladybug fryin’ on the sidewalk ), Kris Allen, Kristian Stanfill, Matthew West, Mercy Me, Newsboys, Nichole Nordeman, Plumb, Remedy Drive, Revive, Rush of Fools, Sanctus Real, Skillet, Sojourn, Steven Curtis Chapman, Storyside: B, Switchfoot (it seemed kinda unfair just to thank You for the lead singer ), tobyMac, Todd Agnew, and 33 Miles (and everyone who I don’t own a CD of). (Can you tell when I just started scrolling through iTunes? Hehe. That’s when they start going in alphabetical order.) Yeah. Thanks for all of the amazing bands. Thank You for the messages they tell through their music.
Okay, so I think I’m going to go back to studying (but I may try to write a little.) Talk to you soon.
Several short letters to God. I was going to write an Ashley summary and not post these, but I think it’s important to see exactly how my mood, mindset, and attitude towards the situation changed. The more I prayed and earnestly sought God’s guidance, the more hopeful I became and the more realizations I had.
See if you see what I’m talking about:
April 27, 2011
Dear God,
Kristin just talked to us about Ashley. So did Zelda. I am not going into what they said. I walked away at 8:22. I started tearing up. I’m still tearing up. I don’t wanna cry.
I don’t agree with any of what Kristin and Zelda said. Zelda keeps blaming me for driving Ashley away. I can see how they see that, since they are just getting Ashley’s perspective. I am not driving Ashley away. Am I? How do I talk to someone who distances herself from me and answers with one word answers? How do I talk to that? Both Kristin and Zelda said we should support Ashley. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be friends with her and help her through this hard time, but I cannot support her actions! I can’t let her cuss and talk about the things she does! I don’t want to hear it! I can’t stand by and let her play with her boundaries and everything! I would like to be her friend and support her, but I can’t support her actions. I honestly don’t know if I can be her friend if she’s going to do everything I’m completely against…..
I’m not strong enough to be her friend right now. I don’t know if You want me to be her friend. I don’t know. I would guess You would, but I would need YOU so much and so obviously. I don’t know I if I can even be around her without breaking down crying, like I’m practically doing now.
I care about Ashley. I can’t stand her going down the wrong path. I don’t care if she’s “discovering herself” or whatever. I can’t do it. I realize I’m being completely selfish right now. Please feel free to correct me. I want to be her friend. I want to be there for her and help her through whatever stinkin’ stuff she’s going through! I don’t know that I can. Apparently, I’m making it worse and driving her away, so maybe I should just go away and leave her alone, so I stop making it worse. ?
Please give me peace. I don’t care if You tell me what to do right now. I just want the peace that You bring. I just want to remember (I remember. I just need a reminder) that You are in control. Please help us all through this. I’ll probably write another letter, but for now:
Bria.
April 27, 2011
Another letter, I know. I feel better now. Well, at least, I’m done crying. I sure hope so. Thank You for such great friends, who keep trying to make me feel better. Thank You for the peace I feel once again.
Umm. Not to get back into negative stuff, but at lunch Ashley didn’t even look at me. I’m pretty sure she’s mad at me. Honestly, I don’t know why she’s so mad. I only talked to her once about cussing. Once. She wasn’t mad right after we talked. But now, almost a week and a half later, now she’s mad!
Well, now it’s almost 1. I’m in art. I don’t know if I’m going to write more; I just felt like telling You I’m in art. Well, 10 minutes until social studies. Please help Zelda and I get along good. Help us to understand each other and just not take sides against each other. I don’t want this Ashley thing to break up the friendships I have with everyone (or anyone) else.
April 27, 2011
It’s now 9:10. It’s been about 15 minutes since I finished the last letter. Thank You for some peace and understanding. I realize that Ashley needs to learn her own way. No one ever listens when you try to tell them how to live. I realize that. I know that we should be there for Ashley no matter what. I will be there for Ashley no matter what. I refuse to support her cussing though. I’m fine with her “finding herself,” but I won’t put up with cussing. I can’t just back down and watch her ruin her life. I will be there, however.
It’s now 10:03. I’m in algebra. I was thinking about how I once told Ashley (in that valentine about 2 months ago) that we are unlikely friends, but somehow we are great friends. Apparently, I was wrong. Since neither one of us is being a very good friend to the other right now. They keep saying it’s me. That not entirely true. I admit it kinda is, but it’s not entirely. Ashley has been distancing herself from us (not just me) for months. I just realized these past few weeks that something was wrong with her/in her life. For months, Ashley has denied us the right she uses so much: the right to an opinion. The right to speak that opinion and have people listen civilly. I listen. I’ve always listened. She…doesn’t. I say something she doesn’t like and she will either stomp out or yell over me. Why doesn’t she listen to us (cause it’s not just with me)?!
April 29, 2011
Dear God,
It is almost noon. I am in bio. We’re watching a video about ecology. I’m pretty sure I know a lot of it, so that’s why I’m writing this now. I don’t know if it’s a good thing that Ashley didn’t sit with us today, but I thank You for it. I feel like a lot of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know this pretty much means the end of our friendship, but honestly I didn’t want to be her friend anymore. She wasn’t being Ashley. She wasn’t being my friend. So I feel like this is a good thing, at least for me. So thank You for that. I just pray for Ashley. I pray that she won’t hold anything against me or any of the rest of us. I just pray that You will be with her as she “discovers herself.”
Love,
Bria
And that’s the end of the last letter about her. (I have tons more Letters to God though. Yay!!)
Did you notice the shift in my thinking? The new thoughts and constant realizations, even in the midst of such distress and trials, are the result of prayer.
One of my pastors once said that when you’re listening for God’s voice, you need to think of all the new realizations you’ve had. All of those revelations, especially the ones you know you would never have thought of, are from God! In the Ashley situation, God was changing my mind; I was listening, and He was speaking! Basically, I’ve learned to listen better to God and to friends.
Tune in next week for (drumroll): Something that I haven’t decided on yet! Yay! (:
After all (most) of this Ashley stuff went down and I was feeling blue (btw, those were the first Letters to God I had ever written), I was sent a Letter From God. They were handed out at my church.
Mine says this:
Dear Bria,
Before I created the universe, I had you in mind. You were exclusively created and I love you more than you can imagine. It brings me great pleasure to see you fulfilled and enjoying life. I love it when you write.
I know life isn’t always easy, and at times you’ve found it tougher than you expected. Some of the dreams you’ve had, like being a teacher now seem silly, impossible, or too late. Don’t give up. Life isn’t over yet…I know the plans I have for you.
I know you’re disappointed about Hannah. But don’t worry-I’m greater than that frustration or anything you’ll ever face. Since death can’t hold me, then you know I can overcome your hurts, disappointments, and failures. Trust in me.
So here is what I want to say to you. Come to me and I will carry you. I really mean it. You don’t have to do this on your own.
Through the sacrifice of my one and only Son, your past failures can be forgiven, and your future can be different-for all eternity. The empty tomb serves to remind you that nothing is impossible when you put your trust in me. If you’re ready, I’m ready. Just let me know. I love you more than you can imagine.
God is amazing! I realized that AGAIN today. I love it when this happens. All of the joy and overwhelming thankfulness fills me and I just LOVE. Then I remember everything (well, some things) that God has done for me. And often, I start to sing. We were singing the following song at Bible Study/Worship.
You are good, You are good When there's nothing good in me.
While singing this, God reminded me of grace. I remembered when I was disheartened, when I was angry at myself, when I was sorry, so sorry; and I remembered when God told me it was okay, not that it was okay I had sinned (Romans 6:1-4), but that He forgave me.
As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved. –Ephesians 2:1-5
You are love, You are love On display for all to see
And I think of this:
God gave us flowers. Why? So bees had something to pollinate and fruit was made and we could eat fruit or we could eat animals that ate fruit, etc. God gave us flowers for an obvious reason. Now, why did God make flowers pretty? Yes, He made them colorful to attract bees better. But making them colorful and making them pretty are different things entirely. I have seen plenty of things that are colorful, but ugly (especially outfits. Too many colors!).
And God gave us the sky. The beautiful sky. Why? Because He loves us. He wants us to be happy, and beautiful things like the sky and flowers make us happy and remind us of His presence. Yes, I see the sky and think God.
You are light, You are light When the darkness closes in
And this makes me think of those dark moments. I have had some real dark moments. Within myself and outside of myself. I have been so angry that I am scared of myself, of my very thoughts. I have yelled at myself to shut up and I have curled into a ball and wept. I have felt the crush of darkness, the suffocation that accompanies it. I have seen the darkness take hold of me, I have seen myself so ready to act on it. But I am here to type this and say that God pulled me back. Most of the time, I prayed in those situations, I cried out to God. But I remember a time that I didn’t pray, that God broke through the blackness of my soul anyway. And so, I can sing that GOD IS LIGHT. He has saved my life.
God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. -1 John 1:5
You are my lamp, O Lord;
The Lord turns my darkness into light.
-2 Samuel 22:29
You are hope, You are hope You have covered all my sin
Knowing Jesus is knowing hope.
…that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe. -1 Timothy 4:10
You are peace, You are peace When my fear is crippling
In the same moments that God has pulled me from darkness, He has given me peace. He has silenced (not quieted, but silenced, like blowing out a candle) my crying, He has cut off my tears, He has muted my mutinying thoughts, He has made a peace settle over me. It is incredible. To go from weeping in a corner to drying my eyes and seeing how beautiful the sky is and how much God loves me is miraculous. I can’t do that on my own. It is God. God is my peace.
The Lord is my light and my salvation –
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life –
of whom shall I be afraid?
-Psalm 27:1
You are true, You are true Even in my wandering
Sloth is one of the deadly sins in the Catholic church. Sloth is laziness obviously. But I think it’s more than that. I have heard it described as spiritual apathy, a spiritual laziness rather than a physical one. I have periods of time in which I have put off praying: “I’ll wake up early tomorrow morning to pray and read the Bible,” “I’m too tired to talk to God right now; it would just be garbled sentences and mush,” etc. This never ends good; I never pray the next day. Instead, I go a week or even two without reading the Bible or talking to God. This is my wandering. I have put off God, but He has never put me off. He is always there when I want to talk (and when I don’t).
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments. –Deuteronomy 7:9
You are joy, You are joy You're the reason that I sing
Why does the thought of God – and the very presence of God! – fill me with joy? Because He is INCREDIBLE! He made the universe (Genesis 1) and He made you (Psalm 139:13). Do you see the contrast there? He made the universe, which is big and important and HUGE and awe-inspiring and awesome and HUMUNGO! And then He made you. You are little (the average human is 5’7”) and your life is a fleeting shadow (Psalm 144:4) and you feel like nothing (maybe), but you are important. More important than the universe with its galaxies and stars. You are more important because Jesus died for you.
For God so loved the world that He gave His ONE and ONLY Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. –John 3:16
This is amazing. Really. This is why I sing.
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting
Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. -1 Corinthians 15:55-57
Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to arms
The riches of your love Will always be enough Nothing compares to Your embrace Light of the world forever reign
I wish I could hug God. Like legitimate physical hug. That would be awesome. That’s what this part of the song makes me think of.
You are more, You are more Than my words will ever say
I cannot express God in words. God is everything awesome all packaged into ONE and I can’t express that; it’s impossible. Of course, I am a writer, and so I shall still try to describe God. But my words will never do him justice. As Francis Chan wrote in Crazy Love, “Isn't it a comfort to worship a Godwe cannot exaggerate?”
You are Lord, You are Lord All creation will proclaim
“I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.” -Luke 19:40
Do not keep quiet. Please.
You are here, You are here In your presence I'm made whole
I don’t know what or where God wants me to go, but I feel full with God; I don’t need anything as long as I remember that God is here and God knows what He is doing.
The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” –Exodus 33:14
You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. –Psalm 16:11
You are God, You are God Of all else I'm letting go
I love this quote:
Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. –Mary C. Crowley
And because of all this, because I can remember some of the things God has done for me and because I know that God loves me, I can sing this honestly: Visit http://www.xtralyrics.com
