Psalm and Songs

May 6, 2011

Dear God,

Hey. I just want to start by saying that I’m sorry I put off writing another letter. I should have made time. I’ve been studying pretty much the whole day today (it’s Derby, so we have today off school), except a few breaks so I can concentrate better. I’m taking a break now. I’m alone at home, so I turned on some music. Casting Crowns’ Voice of Truth came on (I put it on shuffle on my iPod). I love that song. I wanted to find the Psalm he uses in part of it, so I did. I know You already know it, but I’m going to write it here anyway:

I lift my eyes to the hills-

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

The Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip-

He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you-

The Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm-

He will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch over your coming and going

Both now and forevermore.

-Psalm 121

I know I don’t say thank You enough. And I know that sometimes I say it and don’t mean it. I’m saying it now and I’m really meaning it. Thank You. I think I’m going to make another list.

Thank You for always being there. I know I say this a lot too. Now, I really mean it (not that all the other times I didn’t, just now I mean it more). I don’t always feel You (because sometimes I’m not listening or looking for You), but You still make me realize You are there. I always remember when Maddie came and prayed with me. I wasn’t looking for You then, but You made Yourself known and really gave me peace. Thank You. Thank You also for just helping me to forgive myself for whatever part I played in driving Ashley away. I still don’t completely understand all that, but that’s okay. I know that You will use all that for Your glory. I don’t want to go on about Ashley anymore, because I have filled so many letters with stuff about her. This letter is about You and me and all the things I’m thankful for (okay, some of the stuff that I’m thankful for. There is no way I could say everything.)

Thank You for giving me the gifts and abilities I have. Thank You for my brain and that I have the ability to read and understand. Thank You that I can write (as in both the  ability to form words and put them on this page and the gift of being able to convey an idea well). Thank You for my imagination. Boy, writing would be really boring without it. Thank You that I have the ability to speak (once again both as in the ability to talk and the gift to be able to convey ideas effectively). I only wish (and pray) that I will have the confidence to speak. I can speak, I know that. I just can’t and I don’t understand why I’m so scared (well okay. I know I’m scared of saying something wrong and failing, but why am I so scared when I know that I know what I’m saying?). Please just give me confidence. Thank You for the growth this year (not physically, because I’m still only five feet five inches). Thank You for helping me discover more of who I am. Thank You for the confidence this has given me.

Thank You for everything that helped put me here, writing this letter to You. Thank You for everyone who has ever influenced my life. Thank You even for those people who have hurt me in some way (that’s not a lot of people, though. Thank You for that.), because I have learned more about myself and more about You because of those people. Just please help me not to hold any grudges against anyone. I realize now that they have helped me, but I tend to forget (or ignore) the things I decided in private when I’m in public.

Thank You for so many good Christian bands and amazing Christian authors. Thank You for David Crowder, Jon Foreman, The Afters, Brandon Heath, dc Talk, Casting Crowns, Hawk Nelson, Stellar Kart, Relient K, Aaron Shust, Abandon, Caedmon’s Call (I’m just a bus driver. Whoo!), Capital Lights, Chris Rice, Chris Sligh, Chris Tomlin, FM Static, Go Fish (Ladybug fryin’ on the sidewalk ), Kris Allen, Kristian Stanfill, Matthew West, Mercy Me, Newsboys, Nichole Nordeman, Plumb, Remedy Drive, Revive, Rush of Fools, Sanctus Real, Skillet, Sojourn, Steven Curtis Chapman, Storyside: B, Switchfoot (it seemed kinda unfair just to thank You for the lead singer ), tobyMac, Todd Agnew, and 33 Miles (and everyone who I don’t own a CD of). (Can you tell when I just started scrolling through iTunes? Hehe. That’s when they start going in alphabetical order.) Yeah. Thanks for all of the amazing bands. Thank You for the messages they tell through their music.

Okay, so I think I’m going to go back to studying (but I may try to write a little.) Talk to you soon.

Love,

Bria

Happiness Cry: A Letter to God

Reminder: Ashley is the codename for a former best friend of mine. Former friend because of a fight. Our fight centered on not listening. Since then, I’ve realized a lot of my faults in the fight. I wrote this letter after the majority of the drama had disappeared.  (Also, the P.S. is a part of the letter.)

April 26, 2011

Dear God,

I feel like all I’ve been talking to You about lately is my issues and how terrible everything is. I don’t think everything is terrible. In fact, there are a lot of things that I really think are good and awesome. I’m going to go through some of them (by the way, some of them are people):

Hope. Thank You for Hope. She is a really good friend. She helps me with my issues and supports me in my walk with You. Without her this year I know that I wouldn’t be where I am in my walk with You; I would probably still be back at the nun thing. Seriously, though, I wouldn’t have grown as much as I have.

The sky. As Jesse (youth pastor) was saying how You gave us some things just for us to enjoy, I agree. The sky didn’t have to be blue or orange-y or reddish pink or purple (like it is right now where the sun is going down). Thank You for making the sky beautiful, even when it’s storming.

Clementine. She is a wonderful friend too. She listens to what I have to say, even when I’m rambling about

Hoagie (old crush of mine) or something I read. She also has great faith. And she invited me to Bible Study in the mornings! Thank You! Without her I would never have gone to Bible Study at school. I wouldn’t know Meredith or Maddie or Drew or Ben or Micah (why are there so many M names?). I never would’ve met some of these people since they’re seniors. Thank You for Clementine. Thank You that I have a friend like her. Someone who listens and encourages and comforts and so much more. Thank You that she invited me to Bible Study in the mornings.

Bible Study. Both the one at school and the one at church. Thank You for so much Christian support! Oh, I’m overflowing with love for everyone. Thank You! Thank You for Stacy, Cassandra, Gabrielle, Brogan, Maddie, Meredith, Drew, Hollis, Micah, Kenzie, and everyone else! Thank You for great lessons and teaching, for bonding and friendship, and for that comfort and support I’ve needed so badly these past couple months especially.

Hoagie. Okay, so I’m not just including him because I like him. I’m pretty sure You know that but just to make sure I had to say it. He really inspires me to be a better person. He just does some of those little things that I know I should do, but never actually do. (Now this next part is only because I like him, but whatever. ) I think I step out more faith because of him. Sometimes I feel like I’ll tell him about it and impress him. Of course, I don’t talk to him all that much so…yeah, that doesn’t happen, but still. Thank You for him. Thank You that I noticed his Not a Fan bracelet and his green shoes and wanted to get to know him. Thank You for just giving me the opportunities to get to know him.

Thank You for all my friends; I never thought I had so many people that really cared about me. Thank You for the simple pleasures and all those stupid things that lift me right up. Thank You for always being there. Thank You that I’m not in charge. I…oh. I would be such a mess; I wouldn’t even be recognizable. Thank You for everything. There are so many things that I didn’t even mention in this, but I thank You for all those things too.

Love,

Bria

P.S. I’ve never cried from happiness before. Today was the first time. After writing this (I wrote this like ten minutes ago) I decided to write some story ideas. I thought of how thankful I am that I have the ability to write and to write (what I think) is decently good. It made me start crying! Thank You so much! So I said while I was crying (like three minutes ago) that I wish I could hug You. Then, You know, I pictured hugging Jesus. That would be so awesome! Then I thought of hugging YOU, like You the Father. Is that possible? To hug You? Now? I love You.

God, Forever Reign

God is amazing! I realized that AGAIN today. I love it when this happens. All of the joy and overwhelming thankfulness fills me and I just LOVE. Then I remember everything (well, some things) that God has done for me. And often, I start to sing. We were singing the following song at Bible Study/Worship.

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me.

While singing this, God reminded me of grace. I remembered when I was disheartened, when I was angry at myself, when I was sorry, so sorry; and I remembered when God told me it was okay, not that it was okay I had sinned (Romans 6:1-4), but that He forgave me.

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved. –Ephesians 2:1-5

You are love, You are love
On display for all to see

And I think of this: 

God gave us flowers. Why? So bees had something to pollinate and fruit was made and we could eat fruit or we could eat animals that ate fruit, etc. God gave us flowers for an obvious reason. Now, why did God make flowers pretty? Yes, He made them colorful to attract bees better. But making them colorful and making them pretty are different things entirely. I have seen plenty of things that are colorful, but ugly (especially outfits. Too many colors!).

And God gave us the sky. The beautiful sky. Why? Because He loves us. He wants us to be happy, and beautiful things like the sky and flowers make us happy and remind us of His presence. Yes, I see the sky and think God. 

You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in

And this makes me think of those dark moments. I have had some real dark moments. Within myself and outside of myself. I have been so angry that I am scared of myself, of my very thoughts. I have yelled at myself to shut up and I have curled into a ball and wept. I have felt the crush of darkness, the suffocation that accompanies it. I have seen the darkness take hold of me, I have seen myself so ready to act on it. But I am here to type this and say that God pulled me back. Most of the time, I prayed in those situations, I cried out to God. But I remember a time that I didn’t pray, that God broke through the blackness of my soul anyway. And so, I can sing that GOD IS LIGHT. He has saved my life.

God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. -1 John 1:5

You are my lamp, O Lord;

The Lord turns my darkness into light.

-2 Samuel 22:29

You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

Knowing Jesus is knowing hope.

…that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe. -1 Timothy 4:10

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling

In the same moments that God has pulled me from darkness, He has given me peace. He has silenced (not quieted, but silenced, like blowing out a candle) my crying, He has cut off my tears, He has muted my mutinying thoughts, He has made a peace settle over me. It is incredible. To go from weeping in a corner to drying my eyes and seeing how beautiful the sky is and how much God loves me is miraculous. I can’t do that on my own. It is God. God is my peace.

The Lord is my light and my salvation –

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life –

of whom shall I be afraid?

-Psalm 27:1

You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering

Sloth is one of the deadly sins in the Catholic church. Sloth is laziness obviously. But I think it’s more than that. I have heard it described as spiritual apathy, a spiritual laziness rather than a physical one. I have periods of time in which I have put off praying: “I’ll wake up early tomorrow morning to pray and read the Bible,” “I’m too tired to talk to God right now; it would just be garbled sentences and mush,” etc. This never ends good; I never pray the next day. Instead, I go a week or even two without reading the Bible or talking to God. This is my wandering. I have put off God, but He has never put me off. He is always there when I want to talk (and when I don’t).

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments. –Deuteronomy 7:9

You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing

Why does the thought of God – and the very presence of God! – fill me with joy? Because He is INCREDIBLE! He made the universe (Genesis 1) and He made you (Psalm 139:13). Do you see the contrast there? He made the universe, which is big and important and HUGE and awe-inspiring and awesome and HUMUNGO! And then He made you. You are little (the average human is 5’7”) and your life is a fleeting shadow (Psalm 144:4) and you feel like nothing (maybe), but you are important. More important than the universe with its galaxies and stars. You are more important because Jesus died for you.

For God so loved the world that He gave His ONE and ONLY Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. –John 3:16

This is amazing. Really. This is why I sing.

You are life, You are life,

In You death has lost its sting

Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. -1 Corinthians 15:55-57

Oh, I'm running to your arms,
I'm running to arms

The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

I wish I could hug God. Like legitimate physical hug. That would be awesome. That’s what this part of the song makes me think of.

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say

I cannot express God in words. God is everything awesome all packaged into ONE and I can’t express that; it’s impossible. Of course, I am a writer, and so I shall still try to describe God. But my words will never do him justice. As Francis Chan wrote in Crazy Love, “Isn't it a comfort to worship a God we cannot exaggerate?”

You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim

“I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.” -Luke 19:40

Do not keep quiet. Please.

You are here, You are here
In your presence I'm made whole

I don’t know what or where God wants me to go, but I feel full with God; I don’t need anything as long as I remember that God is here and God knows what He is doing.

The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” –Exodus 33:14

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. –Psalm 16:11

You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

I love this quote:

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. –Mary C. Crowley

And because of all this, because I can remember some of the things God has done for me and because I know that God loves me, I can sing this honestly:
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My heart will sing
no other name
Jesus, Jesus

(Forever Reign by Hillsong United) 

I Deserve

 Ever since Jon Acuff posted this article on entitlement, I’ve been spotting some of the entitlement in my life. In just five minutes after reading it, I was frustrated that Netflix had logged me out again, I was angry that Blogger had messed up my article format, I was mad at my laptop for becoming so hot on my lap. Look at that. Rather than complaining about the little annoyances and things that don’t matter, I should be praising God for all that I have. Rather than “Why does Netflix keep logging me out?! Ugh. This is so stupid. And look at my articles on Blogger! What in the world?! Ouch. Stupid laptop, burning my legs.” I should be saying, “Netflix logged me out again. Interesting. Thank You, God for allowing me the ability to relax here and watch videos that I enjoy. Look, my Blogger article is messed up. Well, I’ll just fix that. Thank You, Lord, for giving me such a means to spread Your word. No other generation has had the ability to reach the whole world so easily. My laptop is getting hot, but thanks for a laptop. Not many people can afford something as nice as this. Thank You for blessing me and my family.” Look at the difference!

This makes me think of Job. Job was very wealthy and had much to thank God for. And thank God, he did; Job offered many sacrifices to the Lord and praised Him. But in Job 1:13-18, he lost practically everything he had, even his children. And you know what he did? He didn’t stand on a mountain and demand to talk to God about why his family had suddenly died or why his camels were all gone. No. Job PRAISED. In verse 20, Job said, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” Amazing!  This continued. Job continued to praise God; he cursed the day of his birth, but he never said to God, “I deserve better!” In fact, in Job 9, he specifically said, “How then can I dispute with him (God)? How can I find words to argue with him? Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only plead with my Judge for mercy.” Job had no sense of entitlement. No sense of “I deserve a good life so give it to me.” No. Job accepted what God gave him, both the good and the bad. This is what we need to do.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

God provides what we need; He doesn’t give us what we deserve, because that is death. So this entitlement we have so often is idiotic. It’s more than idiotic, but I can’t find a better word right now. We deserve death, but we were given life! Amazing. Because of that, I’ve been praying desperately and trying hard to shed my feelings of entitlement, and to live praising and thanking God every moment for every little thing.