Jealousy

And the pangs of jealousy leap up. They jump up and down on my heart like a trampoline, willing me to notice them.

I shall not. I shall not notice them. I will ignore them as I try to talk to you, you who makes me jealous, regardless of the fact that we are good friends.

I-you-I am good at-you are too? Oh. I am really good at-oh, of course, you are too. I know! I have a really grade in that one clas-yup. You too.

I know you do not do this to spite me. In fact, you have no idea about any of my jealousy issues. I know you simply happen to be awesome. And I respect you and I love you, but at the same time I rack my mind for something I know I am better at. But no, I will ignore the jealousy creeping up. I will. And I walk away from you so it will not beat me. And my other friends talk about how awesome your writing is. That was the one thing I believed myself to be at than you. …yup. Awkward. And I can’t think of anything else. Surely you are better than me in every way.

I hear laughter in the background. It’s you. You are happy and I am sad. You have won. Bravo. Good job. And I hear more laughter in the background. This isn’t you. It....it’s in my head.

I let Satan win there. I let the demons of jealousy take over and control every part of me. I tried to stop it. I failed to stop it. And I sigh and think of how you wouldn’t have failed. Then I go home dejected and cry.
This sounds very bad. But God used that moment to speak to me. In that crying moment (as with most of my crying moments) I am able to fall to my knees. I am able to go to God. I cry out to Him.

Why am I not as good?

He answers, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
Oh, I forgot about that. …Why isn’t my faith as strong?
I have given you a measure of faith. -Romans 12:3
Of course…. Why is she more faithful, a better light for You?
I am busy making you someone no one else has ever been. –Psalm 139. I’m still working on you both.
Oh. Really?
Yes. I love you both.
REALLY?
I sent my son Jesus to die for both of you.
Oh yeah. I love Jesus.
I love you, Bria.
Thanks, God.

I failed the first time because I was trying to fight on my own.

I am not strong. Bria means strong, but I am not strong. I needed God’s help and I wouldn’t admit it, but instead continued to try on my own. It didn’t work. It never works. I need God.

I read her blog. She is a very talented writer and a very strong witness. That’s when the jealousy began to gnaw on my heart again. And this is the result. This post right here.

I ask God for the strength to keep the jealousy away.

I ask God for love for her, love that consumes and swallows up the jealousy trying to get me.

I ask God for joy at her writing ability and her successful blog.

I thank God that she is an amazing friend and I thank God that she can help me know Him more, because she has awesome faith.

Finally, I ask God for forgiveness. I’m sorry that I let Satan get a foothold. I’m sorry that I was jealous and envious. I know that both jealousy and envy have their root in fear, the fear that I will not be taken care of, that You have forgotten me or given me the wrong things and abilities. I know You have plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and that you will supply me with what I need. I’m sorry for that lack of faith that allowed me to be jealous and envious. Replace any further jealousies or envies with pure joy at her ability to reach and teach so many.

 I’m sorry, Hannah, for being jealous of you. Please forgive me.

And now, here is a link to Hannah’s blog.

Go read it! Away with you!

(Wow, I feel so much better. Thank You, Lord.)

P.S. I wrote this in August. Ever since I wrote this, I haven’t been jealous. We have become great friends and I can enjoy our friendship and all that God teaches me through her because I am not jealous! Thank You, Lord!

Where is God? (Vice Verses.)

The news is so sad today.

The Connecticut shooting.

A bomb threat in a local school.

A suicide.

A murder.

A car crash.

The best news I’ve heard is that the woman in the car crash may not die.

The news is so sad today.

Why God?

I definitely can’t answer any better than this amazing old pastor of mine.

Or:

Finally, I understand this song. Or at least, more than I ever have before.

Psalm and Songs

May 6, 2011

Dear God,

Hey. I just want to start by saying that I’m sorry I put off writing another letter. I should have made time. I’ve been studying pretty much the whole day today (it’s Derby, so we have today off school), except a few breaks so I can concentrate better. I’m taking a break now. I’m alone at home, so I turned on some music. Casting Crowns’ Voice of Truth came on (I put it on shuffle on my iPod). I love that song. I wanted to find the Psalm he uses in part of it, so I did. I know You already know it, but I’m going to write it here anyway:

I lift my eyes to the hills-

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

The Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip-

He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you-

The Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm-

He will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch over your coming and going

Both now and forevermore.

-Psalm 121

I know I don’t say thank You enough. And I know that sometimes I say it and don’t mean it. I’m saying it now and I’m really meaning it. Thank You. I think I’m going to make another list.

Thank You for always being there. I know I say this a lot too. Now, I really mean it (not that all the other times I didn’t, just now I mean it more). I don’t always feel You (because sometimes I’m not listening or looking for You), but You still make me realize You are there. I always remember when Maddie came and prayed with me. I wasn’t looking for You then, but You made Yourself known and really gave me peace. Thank You. Thank You also for just helping me to forgive myself for whatever part I played in driving Ashley away. I still don’t completely understand all that, but that’s okay. I know that You will use all that for Your glory. I don’t want to go on about Ashley anymore, because I have filled so many letters with stuff about her. This letter is about You and me and all the things I’m thankful for (okay, some of the stuff that I’m thankful for. There is no way I could say everything.)

Thank You for giving me the gifts and abilities I have. Thank You for my brain and that I have the ability to read and understand. Thank You that I can write (as in both the  ability to form words and put them on this page and the gift of being able to convey an idea well). Thank You for my imagination. Boy, writing would be really boring without it. Thank You that I have the ability to speak (once again both as in the ability to talk and the gift to be able to convey ideas effectively). I only wish (and pray) that I will have the confidence to speak. I can speak, I know that. I just can’t and I don’t understand why I’m so scared (well okay. I know I’m scared of saying something wrong and failing, but why am I so scared when I know that I know what I’m saying?). Please just give me confidence. Thank You for the growth this year (not physically, because I’m still only five feet five inches). Thank You for helping me discover more of who I am. Thank You for the confidence this has given me.

Thank You for everything that helped put me here, writing this letter to You. Thank You for everyone who has ever influenced my life. Thank You even for those people who have hurt me in some way (that’s not a lot of people, though. Thank You for that.), because I have learned more about myself and more about You because of those people. Just please help me not to hold any grudges against anyone. I realize now that they have helped me, but I tend to forget (or ignore) the things I decided in private when I’m in public.

Thank You for so many good Christian bands and amazing Christian authors. Thank You for David Crowder, Jon Foreman, The Afters, Brandon Heath, dc Talk, Casting Crowns, Hawk Nelson, Stellar Kart, Relient K, Aaron Shust, Abandon, Caedmon’s Call (I’m just a bus driver. Whoo!), Capital Lights, Chris Rice, Chris Sligh, Chris Tomlin, FM Static, Go Fish (Ladybug fryin’ on the sidewalk ), Kris Allen, Kristian Stanfill, Matthew West, Mercy Me, Newsboys, Nichole Nordeman, Plumb, Remedy Drive, Revive, Rush of Fools, Sanctus Real, Skillet, Sojourn, Steven Curtis Chapman, Storyside: B, Switchfoot (it seemed kinda unfair just to thank You for the lead singer ), tobyMac, Todd Agnew, and 33 Miles (and everyone who I don’t own a CD of). (Can you tell when I just started scrolling through iTunes? Hehe. That’s when they start going in alphabetical order.) Yeah. Thanks for all of the amazing bands. Thank You for the messages they tell through their music.

Okay, so I think I’m going to go back to studying (but I may try to write a little.) Talk to you soon.

Love,

Bria

A Story I Wrote

This is a under-300-words story I wrote for Sparknotes Writer Wars. Although I wrote several stories for Writer Wars, this is my favorite. I just felt like throwing this out there for you all (meaning, I don't have any posts written and this was the first thing I thought of). The prompt was to write a story (300 words or less!) from the perspective of an inanimate object. My story (UNTITLED!):

We finished practicing and he tucked me in his coat, laying his hand over me. I felt safe (I know it’s strange for a gun to ever not feel safe, but it’s happened).

As he walked, I daydreamed of hunting in the forest. I was ready. So ready, baby.

But I didn’t see the forest when he took me out.

We were on a street. I sat in his arms and watched the people. A little kid, his blonde hair flopping on his forehead with every step, ran by. Boy, he could consume ice cream (mostly chocolate) faster than I could spit out a bullet on my best day. His mother walked slowly behind him, but when she saw him nearing the road, she kicked off her heels and ran to him.

I felt a tickle then, like a feather rubbed against my insides, a sneeze about to erupt within. The trigger.

I looked to my master. His teeth showed, but it was no smile. It was like looking at the smile of a shark, knowing that if you can see it, you’re too close.

His hand went cold. Staring into his eyes… Anger. Anger so hot it had gone cold. He had been under the scolding hot water for too long. His skin, too broken to heal anymore, had grown numb to its effect. He had no control.

I didn’t… NO.

He pointed me at them. And my belly lurched as the first bullets escaped my mouth.

No.

Running. Everyone was running. But there on the sidewalk. A pair of heels. And a chocolate ice cream, melting into his hair now, mixing and turning his hair a sick crimson-ish color. The color of death, of dirt and red clay.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

I’m sorry.

Bloody Sunday. The song by U2 (and the
cover by Paramore!) inspired this story.

I may want to edit that up some, but oh well for now!

I would love to read a story from you all too! Maybe even something about an inanimate object? (;  

Ashley Wrap-up: Letters to God

Several short letters to God. I was going to write an Ashley summary and not post these, but I think it’s important to see exactly how my mood, mindset, and attitude towards the situation changed. The more I prayed and earnestly sought God’s guidance, the more hopeful I became and the more realizations I had.

See if you see what I’m talking about:

April 27, 2011

Dear God,

Kristin just talked to us about Ashley. So did Zelda. I am not going into what they said. I walked away at 8:22. I started tearing up. I’m still tearing up. I don’t wanna cry.

I don’t agree with any of what Kristin and Zelda said. Zelda keeps blaming me for driving Ashley away. I can see how they see that, since they are just getting Ashley’s perspective. I am not driving Ashley away. Am I? How do I talk to someone who distances herself from me and answers with one word answers? How do I talk to that? Both Kristin and Zelda said we should support Ashley. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be friends with her and help her through this hard time, but I cannot support her actions! I can’t let her cuss and talk about the things she does! I don’t want to hear it! I can’t stand by and let her play with her boundaries and everything! I would like to be her friend and support her, but I can’t support her actions. I honestly don’t know if I can be her friend if she’s going to do everything I’m completely against…..

I’m not strong enough to be her friend right now. I don’t know if You want me to be her friend. I don’t know. I would guess You would, but I would need YOU so much and so obviously. I don’t know I if I can even be around her without breaking down crying, like I’m practically doing now.

I care about Ashley. I can’t stand her going down the wrong path. I don’t care if she’s “discovering herself” or whatever. I can’t do it. I realize I’m being completely selfish right now. Please feel free to correct me. I want to be her friend. I want to be there for her and help her through whatever stinkin’ stuff she’s going through! I don’t know that I can. Apparently, I’m making it worse and driving her away, so maybe I should just go away and leave her alone, so I stop making it worse. ?

Please give me peace. I don’t care if You tell me what to do right now. I just want the peace that You bring. I just want to remember (I remember. I just need a reminder) that You are in control. Please help us all through this. I’ll probably write another letter, but for now:

Bria.

April 27, 2011

Another letter, I know. I feel better now. Well, at least, I’m done crying. I sure hope so. Thank You for such great friends, who keep trying to make me feel better. Thank You for the peace I feel once again.

Umm. Not to get back into negative stuff, but at lunch Ashley didn’t even look at me. I’m pretty sure she’s mad at me. Honestly, I don’t know why she’s so mad. I only talked to her once about cussing. Once. She wasn’t mad right after we talked. But now, almost a week and a half later, now she’s mad!

Well, now it’s almost 1. I’m in art. I don’t know if I’m going to write more; I just felt like telling You I’m in art. Well, 10 minutes until social studies. Please help Zelda and I get along good. Help us to understand each other and just not take sides against each other. I don’t want this Ashley thing to break up the friendships I have with everyone (or anyone) else.

April 27, 2011

It’s now 9:10. It’s been about 15 minutes since I finished the last letter. Thank You for some peace and understanding. I realize that Ashley needs to learn her own way. No one ever listens when you try to tell them how to live. I realize that. I know that we should be there for Ashley no matter what. I will be there for Ashley no matter what. I refuse to support her cussing though. I’m fine with her “finding herself,” but I won’t put up with cussing. I can’t just back down and watch her ruin her life. I will be there, however.

It’s now 10:03. I’m in algebra. I was thinking about how I once told Ashley (in that valentine about 2 months ago) that we are unlikely friends, but somehow we are great friends. Apparently, I was wrong. Since neither one of us is being a very good friend to the other right now. They keep saying it’s me. That not entirely true. I admit it kinda is, but it’s not entirely. Ashley has been distancing herself from us (not just me) for months. I just realized these past few weeks that something was wrong with her/in her life. For months, Ashley has denied us the right she uses so much: the right to an opinion. The right to speak that opinion and have people listen civilly. I listen. I’ve always listened. She…doesn’t. I say something she doesn’t like and she will either stomp out or yell over me. Why doesn’t she listen to us (cause it’s not just with me)?!

April 29, 2011

Dear God,

It is almost noon. I am in bio. We’re watching a video about ecology. I’m pretty sure I know a lot of it, so that’s why I’m writing this now. I don’t know if it’s a good thing that Ashley didn’t sit with us today, but I thank You for it. I feel like a lot of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know this pretty much means the end of our friendship, but honestly I didn’t want to be her friend anymore. She wasn’t being Ashley. She wasn’t being my friend. So I feel like this is a good thing, at least for me. So thank You for that. I just pray for Ashley. I pray that she won’t hold anything against me or any of the rest of us. I just pray that You will be with her as she “discovers herself.”

Love,

Bria

And that’s the end of the last letter about her. (I have tons more Letters to God though. Yay!!)

Did you notice the shift in my thinking? The new thoughts and constant realizations, even in the midst of such distress and trials, are the result of prayer.

One of my pastors once said that when you’re listening for God’s voice, you need to think of all the new realizations you’ve had. All of those revelations, especially the ones you know you would never have thought of, are from God! In the Ashley situation, God was changing my mind; I was listening, and He was speaking! Basically, I’ve learned to listen better to God and to friends.

Tune in next week for (drumroll): Something that I haven’t decided on yet! Yay! (:

Have a wonderful night and day and whatnot!